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Valencia

Jokes

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
brainbox

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing

I like it Valencia .

He really should be more strict with that new wife . it appears he has gone a bit SOFT on her already.            Laughing  Laughing

b.b.
Jan

Good one Valencia


Here's one

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car,
clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license,
that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
brainbox

Manchester we Love You !


Two kids playing football in a park in Manchester, when one of the kids is suddenly attacked by a rottweiler, luckily the other kid finds a plank of wood and shoves it in the dogs mouth, twists and breaks the dogs neck!

A man also in the park witnesses this, he says to the kid i'm a journalist for the Manchester Evening news, i would like to write an article about what just happens.

He starts writing a headline "United fan saves friend from dog", the kid says "I'm not a United fan".
He starts again "City fan saves friend from dog". Kid says "I'm not a City fan".
The journalist asks "Who do you support then", the kid answers "Liverpool".

The journalists starts again "Scouse bastard kills family pet!"  Rolling Eyes  

Laughing

b.b.
pedro

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.



(wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I married
One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
And four to go."
Jan

Very good, my type of joke...Pedro haha

Jan x
brainbox

Here you go....No shortage of them here....Classic  !    

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feat...screen&v=ra96Q4_qlHI&NR=1   Laughing  Laughing
Alice

brainbox wrote:
Here you go....No shortage of them here....Classic  !    

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feat...screen&v=ra96Q4_qlHI&NR=1   Laughing  Laughing


Any jokes about dogs?  Laughing
brainbox

A bit Ruff that joke isn,t it Alice . Wink
Alice

brainbox wrote:
A bit Ruff that joke isn,t it Alice . Wink


woof woof  Laughing  Laughing
Babs

Church Organist

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.  Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.  Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.  They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get
another Organist.  So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, We will not hath a thermon tewday.'
brainbox

ha ! haaaaa !

love it Babs.


never a truer word said in jest  !  

Laughing
Babs

WEE SCOTTISH BLONDE    





On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.



They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".



So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.



A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".



The good wife went out and moved her car again.



The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......."  Then the power went off. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"



Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice, that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
Barbie

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric.......The little shit!
brainbox

he ! he !  

Good one Barbie. Is Eric in theatre in  Alder Hey, right now having one of your size 6 specials surgically extracted from his Jacksy !
Shocked
Razz
Barbie

brainbox wrote:
he ! he !  

Good one Barbie. Is Eric in theatre in  Alder Hey, right now having one of your size 6 specials surgically extracted from his Jacksy !
Shocked
Razz
 Laughing As if...... Razz
Valencia

ARE YOU INSURED FOR ANY SEX?

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you may be getting.
Please find a list of companies below, catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com
Babs

More a poem than a joke..but funny


“Fifty Shades of Grey Hair”

The missus bought a
Paperback down Mumbles,
Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
brainbox

Haaaaa ! haaaa !    Dirty Ticket !
Barbie

Babs..........


Brill!
Babs

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.




Woman who sits in jockey's lap get hot tip.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.



It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
brainbox

Laughing  Laughing  Good Uns !
Babs

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"
Babs

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well.
When I fired the pistol,
my wife **** on my face,
bit 3 inches off my ****, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

**********************************************************************************************************************

 

Woke up this morning and decided to cycle to work,
but when i went out it was slinging it down.
So i thought i'd go back to bed for 20 minutes.
When i got back in bed i decided to give the missus one from behind.
I said "its slinging it down out there" and she replied
" i know and that stupid sod is cycling to work"

 

**************************************************************************************************

 

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...!!!


The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn?t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn?t see

anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.


He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

******************************************************************************
Barbie

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing Good ones Babs!
brainbox

Wow !   There's loads of crackers to try to remember there  ..Ta !
brainbox



he.he.
brainbox

Joined a nudist colony last week, First few days were the Hardest !

Razz
brainbox

I bumped into an old mate today.He said, "What you up to these days?"I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?"I said, "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons

Laughing  Laughing
Barbie

brainbox wrote:
I bumped into an old mate today.He said, "What you up to these days?"I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?"I said, "No, I'm a chef at Wetherspoons

Laughing  Laughing
Razz  Laughing
brainbox

he ! he !  


 What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

Razz
Babs

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock knock.

Who's there?

"Doorbell repair man"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

Susie says, "We need a computer"

Wendy says, "We need a car"

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, my sister came home with her new scouser boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.

They're brilliant.

It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.

Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate......

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is like a penis.

Soft and hanging freely.

It's women that make it hard

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"

"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what f******g hit it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.

Wink
Babs

Cold Winter Ahead
   
    Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he  couldn't tell what the winter was going to be  like.


Nevertheless,  to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the  winter was indeed going to be cold and that the  members of the village should collect firewood to be  prepared.

But, being a  practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the   Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going  to be cold?'


'It looks like  this winter is going to be quite cold,' the  meteorologist at the weather service  responded.


So the chief  went back to his people and told them to collect even  more firewood in order to be  prepared.


A week later,  he called the  Weather Network again. 'Does it  still look like it is going to be a very cold  winter?'  


'Yes,' the man  at  Weather Service again replied, 'it's going  to be a very cold winter.'


The chief  again went back to his people and ordered them to  collect every scrap of firewood they could  find.


Two weeks  later, the chief called the  Weather Network  again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is  going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,'  the man replied.  'It's looking more and more  like it is going to be one of the coldest winters  we've ever seen.'


'How can you  be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman  replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of  firewood'
Valencia

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings.

Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:


"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy

to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
brainbox

Laughing
good one valencia.......he is in deep water now after telling that tall tale    Razz
Barbie

brainbox wrote:
Laughing
good one valencia.......he is in deep water now after telling that tall tale    Razz
But how can she explain how she knows he is lying?  Laughing  Laughing Fishy, the pair of them! On a scale of 1-10, they rate nil...can't exactly say his mate was their plaice eh?
ok, ok....no more... Laughing
brainbox

Barbie wrote:
brainbox wrote:
Laughing
good one valencia.......he is in deep water now after telling that tall tale    Razz
But how can she explain how she knows he is lying?  Laughing  Laughing Fishy, the pair of them! On a scale of 1-10, they rate nil...can't exactly say his mate was their plaice eh?
ok, ok....no more... Laughing


No need to make a meal of this Barbie
Razz
Barbie

OK OK...reel ya neck in, you're out of line!  Razz
brainbox

Barbie wrote:
OK OK...reel ya neck in, you're out of line!  Razz


Well after a remark like that I can see you are certainly not Fishing for any compliments

Razz
Barbie

That just sticks in my gills...... Laughing
brainbox

I'm havin' a Whale of a time here tonight
Razz
Barbie

I think I'll finish it here now.... Razz
brainbox

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

Razz
Barbie

Beeb.....HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  Mr. Green

Jim, Dave and Eric died and arrived at the gate, St Paul explains to them:

'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around. The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you were alive'.

Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf 1.4.

Dave was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Camr
y 2.4 VVTi.

Eric was married for 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW 745i.

Jim and Dave were very envious of Eric!

A couple of months later Jim and Dave see Eric sitting on the pavement crying...

Dave asks: 'What's wrong buddy?'
Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife'
Jim asks: 'So why are you crying?'
Eric says: 'She was on a bicycle!..
brainbox

Laughing  Laughing


A little girl asks her Grandad to make a noise like a frog !!! Bewildered Grandad asks why do you want me to make a noise like a frog ? She answered him saying Mum said when you croak it we can all go to Disneyland...

Razz  Razz
brainbox

On a cold winter morning, wife texts husband:- "Window's frozen"
Husband texts back:- "Pour lukewarm water over it"
Five minutes later, wife texts back:- "Computer completely screwed now"!!

Rolling Eyes
Razz
MOJO

A man arrives at his front door,laden with shopping bags,he tells his cat to open the door,to which the cat replies," Me,'ow?"  Rolling Eyes
Barbie

Hahah you two, silly jokes but funny!  Very Happy
brainbox

.
.
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
.over any time I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
... ...
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I Wish
that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing
Liobian

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land
mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well!


Prophets are going through the roof!
Barbie

How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?



One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I’m sorry. What was the question?
Barbie

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Alice

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and
forth, back and forth........in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted -


"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the fucking car! You do it, you SMUG bastard."
Barbie

hahahha Alice, I just reposted that on facebook..... Laughing
Alice

Barbie wrote:
hahahha Alice, I just reposted that on facebook..... Laughing


I know how she feels!  Laughing
brainbox

Barbie wrote:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?



One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!

They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I’m sorry. What was the question?


www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPIsTKpAoE4
brainbox

Stop Press  :

 A Wagon full of Viagra was stolen in liverpoll last night .....................................The police say that they are now out looking for  Hardened criminals

Razz
Alice

A hotel in west London has changed the name of its top floor suite to Rafa Benitez to 'honour' the new Chelsea coach - saying the room is perfect for short stays.
brainbox

Laughing  Alice   Laughing



' I remember me mum writing to me years ago...... Dear Son ,we had a terrible gas explosion In the kitchen on Saturday. Me and your Father got blown right through the window into the street... It's the first time we've been out together for years  '  !!!!

Razz
Babs

Heeheehee bb


The Hitman




Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
brainbox

Laughing  Laughing   love it babs.

--A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

hee hee .
Barbie

Laughing  good gags all.

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."


Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."
brainbox

Laughing

Beware Wrongly Sent E-mails..


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston .. a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read...

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2012

Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


:  
PS ...... Sure is freaking hot down here!!



: Razz
Alice

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
(If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.)
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'  I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'  Well,
the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3
a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12
cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!  Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh shit.'  Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'
brainbox

Laughing  Laughing  Alice.

I had to make an Emergency appointment at the Surgery yesterday, I had accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares earlier ..The G.P. was very helpful and the diagnosis was
That I should be ok but , for the next couple of days,going to the toilet could spell trouble.

Razz
Barbie

Laughing beeb....ouch though..... Confused

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
Alice

brainbox wrote:
Laughing  Laughing  Alice.

I had to make an Emergency appointment at the Surgery yesterday, I had accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares earlier ..The G.P. was very helpful and the diagnosis was
That I should be ok but , for the next couple of days,going to the toilet could spell trouble.

Razz


Love it!  Laughing  Laughing
brainbox

barbie,.. I had to have a night off from posting yesterday in order to recover from the shock of your last joke, Shocked  Shocked

Laughing


'A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.
'

Razz
brainbox

A Jehovah's witness gave me an advent calender yesterday, i opened the first door and blow me ! . Two of the bounders were stood behind it !!

[ language cleaned up from the original joke ]

Laughing  Laughing
Barbie

Laughing  Laughing So funny cos 2 of them, Americans, stopped me at the bus stop last saturday and tried to convert me. I was polite, but they knew to move on!  Laughing
brainbox

Barbie wrote:
Laughing  Laughing So funny cos 2 of them, Americans, stopped me at the bus stop last saturday and tried to convert me. I was polite, but they knew to move on!  Laughing


barbie now That just Wasn't Fare

Razz
brainbox

Stop  Press :

Chester Zoo have banned all Monkeys from cooking as of NOW, Due to the risk of "Chimp Pan Fires"

Razz
Barbie

Beeb....hahahaha. That's a groaner!  Laughing

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain t
han the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch
brainbox

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing

A Classic
Razz
Babs

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!!   Blow this , I thought , I can
get one cheaper off the web.
 
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check
her balance , so I pushed her over.
 
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.
 
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
 
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you
believe that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.
 
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that"
says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how
do you know?  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building
up!"
 
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.  I said "You're pulling
my leg!"
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
 
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed.  At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
 
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
 
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I
would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not
listening.
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London
. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
 
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on
her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
 
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham ,
Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London :
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
 
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."
 
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!
 
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six
people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.
 
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat
it!
 
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry
and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and
says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have
their pick nicked."
 
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending
a voicemail ya thick sod!"
 
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.










19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of
you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
 
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world ,
swum with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It
came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Barbie

Babs...hi...long timer no see........love them cheers!  Laughing
Alice

A  man in Scotland calls his son in  London the day before  Christmas
Eve and says, ?I hate to ruin your day  but I have to tell you that
your mother and I  are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough.?

'Dad,  what are you talking about?' the son  screams?

We  can't stand the sight of each other any longer? the  father says.
?We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this,  so you
call your sister in Leeds and  tell her.?

Franticly,  the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
?Like hell they're  getting divorced!? she shouts, ?I'll take care of
this!?

She  calls Scotland  immediately, and screams at her father?  You are
NOT getting  divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get  there.
I'm calling my brother  back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then,  don't do a thing, DO  YOU HEAR ME?? and hangs up.

The old man  hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted!
They're coming  for Christmas - and they're paying their own  way.'
brainbox

hahahaha,,they are beauties


 
   A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette.

   When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

   After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

   "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

   She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

   "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

   The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

   The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

   The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Laughing  Laughing
Barbie

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
brainbox

Laughing  Laughing  Blonde  Laughing


CELIBACY

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition - imposed by circumstances.

While attending a 'harmony for couples' weekend, my mate and his partner, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?"

He leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it dear ?"

Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.

Razz
Barbie

Laughing  Laughing  hahaha....stupid man forgot she buys Tesco's own then?

Wink
brainbox

Rolling Eyes


.....  I love Xmas crackers jokes:- Why can only tiny Fairies sit under Toadstools?






..Because there is not Mushroom !!!

Razz
Barbie

A farmer brought a Rooster home. As soon as the rooster entered the farm, he started screwing all the 200 hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunch, Rooster screws all the 200 hens again.

The farmer is becoming uncomfortable and worried now.


The next day, he sees that the Rooster doing it to the ducks, geese & a goat.

Finally, the farmer sees the Rooster lying on the ground, weak and pale, half-
dead & vultures circling over it's head.

The Farmer rebukes him and says "You deserved it, you horny desperate idiot.!!

The Rooster opens one eye, and pointing towards the sky, says "Sssshh! Speak softly! I'm just waiting for them to land!"
Shocked
Alice

Chinese: Me not come to work, me sick.

Boss: When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it.

Later Chinese called back: It worked. Me better. You got nice house!
brainbox

haha  Brilliant barbie and Velly good Valencia


'  Last year my son told me he wanted a bike for Xmas. He was on about it for months.  He has now just told me he doesn't  want a bike anymore. "Why" said I. "Cos i found one behind the wardrobe".
 'said he !

Laughing  Laughing
Valencia

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.  Laughing
brainbox

Shocked  Valencia   Laughing  Laughing

'Nathan+Mary were both patients in a mental hospital; One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool; nathan suddenly jumped in the deep end; he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there; Mary promptly jumped in to save him. she swam to the bottom and pulled Nathan out; when the Head Nurse became aware of Marys heroic act she immediatly ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered Mary to be mentally stable.  When she went to tell Mary the news she said ' Mary, I have good news and I have  bad news; the good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient;... I have concluded that your act displays sound judgement ;....the bad news is that Nathan the patient you saved hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom ,I'm so sorry,but hes dead.... Mary then replied  ..' No ,he didn't hang himself ...I put him there to dry;.......... how soon can i go home. ?

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing
Barbie

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.’
Confused  Rolling Eyes
Barbie

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Alice

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
> I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
> So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
> And it's on the same side of the street.
> I don't even have to cross the road!
brainbox

Alice wrote:
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
> I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
> So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
> And it's on the same side of the street.
> I don't even have to cross the road!



I received that same leaflet last week Alice. At the end of our street is the Church at No 81, with the vicarage next door,,,, I cant understand why the Vicar wont talk to me anymore

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing
Alice

brainbox wrote:
Alice wrote:
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
> I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
> So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
> And it's on the same side of the street.
> I don't even have to cross the road!



I received that same leaflet last week Alice. At the end of our street is the Church at No 81, with the vicarage next door,,,, I cant understand why the Vicar wont talk to me anymore

Laughing  Laughing  Laughing


Laughing  Laughing

Answering machine message,
> "I am not available right now, but
> thank you for caring enough to call.
> I am making some changes in my life.
> Please leave a message after the beep.
> If I do not return your call,
> you are one of the changes."
Alice

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
brainbox

Alice wrote:
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.


Next Question please   !

Laughing  Laughing
Barbie

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
brainbox

hahahahaha.. love it !

  Laughing  Laughing



--The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a Blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.

"And so here I am."

Razz
Valencia

Urology Surgery
My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
brainbox

Exclamation  Exclamation
Razz


Whats the difference between a cross country run and mrs Bridges?
one`s a pant in the country

Razz
Barbie

Cop’s rules for dating my daughter


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as hell not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “Early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like the dishes, or changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goosedown parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your going out and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not f#%k with me.
Razz
brainbox

Oh Barbie I would have hated to have met that fella  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing




 A little boy wanted £100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the £100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, England, they decided to send it to Downing Street.

The dynamic duo were so amused that they instructed the chancellor to send the little boy a £5.00 note, they thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the £5.00 note and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it via Downing Street and those f*ckin *rseholes took £95.00 in taxes!!!'

Laughing  Laughing

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